Religion

"Now I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." This prayer is my first memory of religious practice and was prayed at my bedside every night until I was able to learn the Lord's Prayer, which then replaced it. My Christian orientation was promised by my parents at my infant baptism and, as far as I remember, it was a promise faithfully kept. Our family attended church regularly with Mom singing in choirs at various denominations (primarily Methodist, Presbyterian and Community Christian churches). I remember little of the first 9 years in Iowa except for Sunday School, which I attended during the main services. It was after the move to Kansas that I became active in the main service, singing in the children's and youth choirs, becoming an alter boy and flag bearer and eventually helping to collect offerings. My Sunday school teachers were fundamental in orientation and I learned that the teachings of the Bible were the literal words of God. My early understanding of God, therefore, was as a heavenly father, all-loving, all-knowing and willing to forgive the sins of man by sacrificing his only begotten son, Jesus Christ. At age 14, during the call at the end of a service, I felt the call to a personal commitment to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and presented to the alter to witness. I was baptised soon thereafter in front of the congregation.



Throughout high school years I was active in Christian youth groups, the Boy Scouts, and was a fairly regular reader of the Bible. My parents worshipped largely through their participation in the music of the church and my father served on several church boards as a deacon. They were not evangelistic and religion was a private matter for each individual. I felt no pressure from them, rather appreciated their example of living their lives, guided by Christian teachings. I certainly observed the Ten Commandments at work in their relationships with me and those around them. Their agape love for each other and me and willing giving to those in need, were indeed, excellent examples of Christianity in action.



Being raised in a lower middle class, white, conservative community reinforced my rather narrow understanding of the world and I became rather altruistic. Then came college.



I entertained the notion of studying for the ministry for a while but was drawn to science and medicine as I progressed through my high school studies. Still somewhat ambivalent about career directions when choosing college, I talked to the faculty of my eventual medical school to determine whether pursuing a liberal arts education would prejudice against my entry . They heartily endorsed attending a small liberal arts college so that, should I choose medicine as a career, I would have the advantage of a well-rounded education. I therefore entered a small Methodist college in Kansas and began a long educational journey which has never ended.



Among the required courses in this college was The Life and Teachings of Jesus which studied man's understanding of Christ and His impact on history. Part of the course was the examination of the origin of the scriptures. We learned that many of the Dead Sea Scrolls which eventually made up the books of the Bible were rejected by the Christian scholars of the time because the writings did not exactly meet the standards of the than accepted Christian beliefs. For example, reincarnation as a Christian principle "lost out" by only 12 votes during the Nicene conference. Therefore any scrolls referring to reincarnation were excluded. Hmmmmm.... and I had believed that the books of the Bible were not chosen by man but written by man to express God's teachings. My later exposure to other religions and their beliefs raised many doubts about the exclusivity of Christians having the true word of God. I felt somewhat betrayed by my Sunday school teachers who did not present alternative religious thought so I might form my own understanding of my relationship to God. Thus began the agnostic streams of thought which continue to this day.



This ambivalence about my religious beliefs resulted in my decision not to pursue the ministry but to focus on medicine. My majors in college were in Psychology and Biology with enough hours in Sociology to also warrant a major. During my studies in these courses, my rudimentary understanding of the biopsychosocial aspects of life and behavior was begun. I began to understand man's need for an understanding of existence and religion's role in combination with the life sciences in answering the unanswerable questions. I discovered that some of the "blind faith" of religion could be made less "blind" by the studies of science. I saw no reason that both scientific and religious approaches to understanding could not complement each other and continue to believe so today.



My first wife, whom I met in high school, was also a product of fundamentalist Christian education and, in fact, several of her Sunday school teachers became parent surrogates with much more influence over her thinking than her parents. As we dated, I attended many meetings of her youth group which had a ritualistic, exclusive, club-like orientation. She was never to change or question her Christian orientation and I continued to support her need for close ties to her church during our marriage. We served as youth ministers and I became a teacher for adult studies and an active member of the church board. These activities occurred during my medical school years and for a few years thereafter. Unfortunately, the social church made more and more demands on my time and our church home went through a severe split in the congregation over many political issues. In addition, my wife became more attached to surrogates in the church family and our relationship suffered severely. Eventually, not willing to fight those battles while trying to become a physician, I left the organized church and eventually my first marriage. I will not comment more about the nature of the dissolution of my first marriage as the details are not appropriate for this medium.



It was not until I met my second wife that I truly understood the meaning of unconditional (agape) love. Even through the infatuation of our early relationship, the deeper love was obviously different from any I had ever experienced before, even the unconditional love given to me by my parents. It is just as strong today as it was 30 years ago and if a gift from God, is certainly representative of the Christian understanding of agape.



So where am I in my Christian beliefs? Less Christian than I was when I was 14, but certainly under the influence of my learned Christian values. God is now less a father figure than a force in all existence. I am not so presumptive as to think that there is life after death as we know it and am agnostic about what happens to my life force (soul?) when I cease to be in this existence. In the meantime, I will continue to respect and support any belief system that results in true mental stability and peace, the ability to express agape love and defines for anyone a direction in life that compliments all of existence. I continue to search for better understanding.